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Health & Fitness

What is Your Child (Really) Trying to Tell You?

Your emotional reaction to a child's misbehavior can tip you off as to what's behind it -- and provide some strategies for coping.

You’re on the phone with a client, packing a lunch with one hand while jotting down some critical information with the other.  The baby is in the high chair and has just decided to pour some oatmeal onto the cat.  The garbage trucks are making a racket outside.  That’s when your eight-year-old bursts in to demand you find his blue sweatshirt, no not the one with the skateboard on it, the one with the hood.  The more you try to put him off, the louder and more insistent he becomes.  You apologize to your client, slam down the phone and yell at your son, who sulks away.  You wish you could tell yourself this is an isolated incident, but some version of these events happens nearly every day. 

Psychologist Alfred Adler believed that all behavior is goal oriented, and nowhere is this more evident than when it comes to children acting out.  Deciphering the goal can be tricky, however.  And without understanding what a child wants, it can be frustrating – if not impossible – to get them to change.

So what do children want?  Essentially, according to The Parent’s Handbook, there are four goals to a child’s misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, or sympathy.  Each of these is enacted in a particular way.  Children seek attention in order to feel that they belong.  When a child needs to have a sense of control, he or she will seek power.  Revenge is taken on a parent who has hurt the child, and displays of inadequacy cry out for a sympathetic response.

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Behaviors can look very similar, however, and it can be challenging to know what drives a child to misbehave.  Children operate on a different psychological level than adults.  But a parent’s emotional response can provide clues to the child’s motivation.  For example, if you start out feeling irritated, it’s a safe bet that your child is clamoring for your attention.  Power plays, on the other hand, trigger full-blown parental anger.  On the other hand, if you feel hurt, your child is probably out for revenge.  And if he or she is claiming helplessness, your own feelings of inadequacy are likely coming into play. 

Armed with that knowledge, it becomes easier to address behavior in positive ways.  When a child pesters you for attention, scolding her will provide the attention (albeit negative) she’s been seeking, but sends the message that whatever she’s doing works.  Another approach might be to ignore her, or to give her a choice: wait five minutes, or deal with the issue herself.  Silently refusing to engage in a power struggle – walking away, so to speak – can be more effective than fighting back when power or revenge are being sought.  And specific encouragement is a remedy for exasperating displays of helplessness.

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During times of stress, it can be a challenge to remember that children don’t set out to misbehave just for the sake of it.  Understanding their feelings can make things easier for both of you.

 

Marcie Scranton is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern with a private practice in Brentwood, and is a certified instructor in Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP).  Email her at marciescranton@verizon.net

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